phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
