Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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