stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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