guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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