3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Randomize
