Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
