tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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