I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
