You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
