I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
