Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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