I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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