I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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