I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
