Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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