Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
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