Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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