oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
