I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
