I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
