Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
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