my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
