ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
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