just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
