What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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