Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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