Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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