Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
