It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize