every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
