just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
