my vag is so smooth its legendary
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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