Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
