if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
