i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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