Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
