it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
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