he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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