I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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