They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
