It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
