I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
