after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
