I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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