now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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