this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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