insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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