When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize