Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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