I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
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