Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
