Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
