just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
