it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
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