My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
im six kinds of drunk right now
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
