Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
