my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
