I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
So much rum. So many feels.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
