R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
