Is it normal to miss your booty call?
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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