I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
