AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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