Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
We had sex on a dog bed..
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
