the condom got lost in my hair
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I wish there were birth control emojis
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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