So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Randomize
