I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
