Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
